A Broken Boat

Hi some months went by just like that. Last update I wrote something about faith. Now I think I can use some solace myself. An outcome which I had thought much and challenged for six weeks, came to no avail. Letting go seems the only option, but hardly the wanted sentiment. Sigh, these two years have been characterized painfully by plenty of life changing events. Grandma passed away, family feuds, a crazy job, losing love, health complications, discontent with life, dad's operation, long drawn ldr. Finally I think the last straw broke the back.

Its a lil wonder that how sometimes life expires itself on you. Growing and feeling old is only a part of it. Some people grow old while others choose to grow in. I prefer the latter. I mean, I should feel the rejoice of having a new life, not feeling affected by the ldr, feel unyielded at the turn of the year but I don't. Instead, for the first time ever, I feel small. So small I think I can hide in my own pocket. So powerless over the things that take place with or without my knowing.

I believe at various points of life everybody takes a good look and ask the simple question "What is the meaning of life?" Nope I have no answer to that. I don't think I ever will. I do, however believe that it is a necessary answer to help us reassess our lives, where we are, who we are and where we want to go from there. But a lot of meaning come from the love that we have for someone. Remember that when u are in love with the right person, you no longer are wanting? Whilst some people are cautious not to be hurt ever, I believe the brutal, uncontrolled, and unfabricated love is the one for me. It's the best, yes by my assertion, but it's also the worst to swallow once it decides to leave.

Knowing that life is very short is just the beginning. Today, whenever I look at some young bloke take up a motivation book - Anthony Robbins, Kiyosucky etc. I quicky reminisce the times when I was just like that. Very intrigued to know about how to top others, and perform better. I have today mastered some of that, through reading and experience. I love the feeling of knowing something more than others. I have attended plenty of soft skill leadership, team work, effective communication, assertive camps I can almost read people's body language, tone and expression. I can catch a lie so easily and I can, apparently sell ice to the eskimos. Funny thing is with all that armor, valour and guile, I fail to protect myself from the winds and waves of the world. I fail to contain emotions, and fail miserably at the mercy of the ones I love. Some would view this as virtue, while others, just plain weakness. My bidding would be losing today is only in preparation of my big win tomorrow. And thus, a lil gambling is desired and Kipling's IF embraces the give all act:

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;"

It is when the elements temper your world and challenge the boat that is the only thing keeping you afloat, that you feel that all that you've attained and earned thus far, is meager against the harsh realities of life. You can practice, avoid, manipulate and maneuvre, but some day it will hit you. I cannot explain how I feel more in words, so maybe someday I find the strength to also draw the unpleasant times that I lived through. I see myself lying face down in the hotel room, next to the only person I swore to love and protect, and amidst the hummer of the tv and city noise below, started to repeat her name just so I could stay awake in case she walked out. I also see myself taking my drive at high speed and just a tad from turning my wheels to head towards the biggest tree I could find along the highway. Funny I never felt like this before. Funny I never thought life could be this hard. And funny the jokes on me.

A person cannot be at two places at one time, and if he could, he wants to be at four. A weakened smile cannot be reassured by a firm hug when you are a thousand miles away. A clock cannot unwind itself, and so a heart cannot heal itself.

Autumn came and I finally woke up. Good thing I am, indeed in good company. And in my broken boat, I wade across an endless sea. Broken, but not destroyed altogether. I don't know what will happen come winter, but I sure am looking forward to spring.