Momentary Disengagement

Ever wondered how alone we are? Take God away, take your partners away, take your friends away, take your relatives away. This world then is composed of beings, souls and objects that we try giving life to. Will our ideals in life still hold?

About 5 months ago, I decided to put this to the test. Working in a remote site in NT tested my strength. No friends and family to come home to, juz the TV, my shower and bed. No partner to share and help dissipate the heat from work. No social life whatsoever, and certainly no plausible entertainment, well....not those that you wanna indulge in anyway. I never yielded.

This, is not withstanding the fact that I hate the job. My reasons are many. Take all the luxuries and life's contraptions away, take all the borrowed attention away, take all the humour away, my ideals were challenged but not taken away. I have met a myriad of people from different walks of life, shared drinks with strangers and discussed many topics over meals. I have, indeed, an expanded horizon and am an extention of the shadows of the past. I still don't know where to next. I still don't know how to next. I still don't know who I would share my life with next. For now, I only have one outcome.

I am now, used to walking alone.

High On Something!

Hey... watcha doing? Want you to look really closely into the mirror this time and ask yourself - "Do I look Cacat or Biasa?"




Construct a sentence using as many crap words as possible:

> .... and after laying a load of crap, the crab walked away and pulled out the crappiest weapon of of mass destruction ever and blew the crap out of an even crappier coconut tree. <

Some ppl were high on sugar tonight.....

Lil Scribbles

In this side of the world, things look pretty much like lines and scribbles. Whilst there is no intelligent method of interpreting the meaning of these scribbles, its a frame of thought captured in a section of time.

April 08

8 Years Old

Hi Furdy,

Here's something to celebrate. Come this June, this picture would be 8 years old. It is a drawing from someone dear to me. I have since lost contact with her but had always kept it near at heart. You know sometimes people see you clearer than you see yourself? This painting, in 3R size, very truly depicted the working days I had when I was working as a Technologist after my Diploma. Suited up in my light blue smock, I would make trips to the central store to collect our week's worth of PM parts. And I would walk in a Santa Claus fashion back to the Lithography area where I disbursed the parts. I never knew that was a picturable sight haha. But art comes in the strangest forms and times.

A Broken Boat

Hi some months went by just like that. Last update I wrote something about faith. Now I think I can use some solace myself. An outcome which I had thought much and challenged for six weeks, came to no avail. Letting go seems the only option, but hardly the wanted sentiment. Sigh, these two years have been characterized painfully by plenty of life changing events. Grandma passed away, family feuds, a crazy job, losing love, health complications, discontent with life, dad's operation, long drawn ldr. Finally I think the last straw broke the back.

Its a lil wonder that how sometimes life expires itself on you. Growing and feeling old is only a part of it. Some people grow old while others choose to grow in. I prefer the latter. I mean, I should feel the rejoice of having a new life, not feeling affected by the ldr, feel unyielded at the turn of the year but I don't. Instead, for the first time ever, I feel small. So small I think I can hide in my own pocket. So powerless over the things that take place with or without my knowing.

I believe at various points of life everybody takes a good look and ask the simple question "What is the meaning of life?" Nope I have no answer to that. I don't think I ever will. I do, however believe that it is a necessary answer to help us reassess our lives, where we are, who we are and where we want to go from there. But a lot of meaning come from the love that we have for someone. Remember that when u are in love with the right person, you no longer are wanting? Whilst some people are cautious not to be hurt ever, I believe the brutal, uncontrolled, and unfabricated love is the one for me. It's the best, yes by my assertion, but it's also the worst to swallow once it decides to leave.

Knowing that life is very short is just the beginning. Today, whenever I look at some young bloke take up a motivation book - Anthony Robbins, Kiyosucky etc. I quicky reminisce the times when I was just like that. Very intrigued to know about how to top others, and perform better. I have today mastered some of that, through reading and experience. I love the feeling of knowing something more than others. I have attended plenty of soft skill leadership, team work, effective communication, assertive camps I can almost read people's body language, tone and expression. I can catch a lie so easily and I can, apparently sell ice to the eskimos. Funny thing is with all that armor, valour and guile, I fail to protect myself from the winds and waves of the world. I fail to contain emotions, and fail miserably at the mercy of the ones I love. Some would view this as virtue, while others, just plain weakness. My bidding would be losing today is only in preparation of my big win tomorrow. And thus, a lil gambling is desired and Kipling's IF embraces the give all act:

"If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breath a word about your loss;"

It is when the elements temper your world and challenge the boat that is the only thing keeping you afloat, that you feel that all that you've attained and earned thus far, is meager against the harsh realities of life. You can practice, avoid, manipulate and maneuvre, but some day it will hit you. I cannot explain how I feel more in words, so maybe someday I find the strength to also draw the unpleasant times that I lived through. I see myself lying face down in the hotel room, next to the only person I swore to love and protect, and amidst the hummer of the tv and city noise below, started to repeat her name just so I could stay awake in case she walked out. I also see myself taking my drive at high speed and just a tad from turning my wheels to head towards the biggest tree I could find along the highway. Funny I never felt like this before. Funny I never thought life could be this hard. And funny the jokes on me.

A person cannot be at two places at one time, and if he could, he wants to be at four. A weakened smile cannot be reassured by a firm hug when you are a thousand miles away. A clock cannot unwind itself, and so a heart cannot heal itself.

Autumn came and I finally woke up. Good thing I am, indeed in good company. And in my broken boat, I wade across an endless sea. Broken, but not destroyed altogether. I don't know what will happen come winter, but I sure am looking forward to spring.

Learn To Be Still

Here are my thoughts to someone who had questions about a long distance relationship. So many uncertainties engulf and so little comfort the more you think about it.

It's called faith... ldr does wear you down. Its called faith because tho u cant hold it, u know its there. You cant hold wind, but you enjoy its caresses. This relationship (of you and the wind) doesn't seem logical, but your wanting for it defies any justification, that is - waiting, waiting and more waiting without even being able to see, push or hurry it. Yet the promise of a blowing wind tomorrow cannot be granted readily to you. And still you stand unwithered.

If you have such lingering feelings, then I guess your faith hasn't run dry. Hence, putting logic aside for a while, your test for qualification would then be: faith - how much? and how much more? I agree with much of your arguments above and I do wish I can help the deconstruction process more. But one can't get someone out of a maze when one's in one too. Thus i can only share. Whatever it is, best wishes.

I do wish time provides answers. Faith asks of you to trust your heart and nothing else. If you should falter in the process, let it be a lesson you hold for life. Afterall, life is about learning from outcomes of both care and carelessness. But then, if you succeed, teach me.

Wanna Push That Boat Away....

Hey how have you been, Furdy? Gotta tell you life's been a see-saw, rollercoaster thru this time. Been having tots of writing stuff but my poor motivation of expressing myself in words had gone low somehow.

One thing got me peeved today... Been having plenty of relationship flashes (mine and others') that I find disturbing. Preamble - just got back from a trip to the Grampians wif a bunch of old n new friends. Some came back wif renewed bonds, some unsettled bonds, and me.... clear head without bonds. The worrying part is, clear head usually spells troubled heart.

Just skimmed accross Fster which I have not been in for a long time, found out that a friend of mine has been untruthful to me. Has been someone i was once interested in for sometime bk then in sgp long time ago. But just realised I have been one heck of a toss around for the longest time too. For the better years that I have known her, both this friend and I were attached to our partners. Amidst that, been her confidant for many years, tho she knew of my feelings after some time. But some recent revelations just gave me the irks, apart from the Fster stuff. Found out she's been not telling me she jumped ship to another person, and left me in the dark, no worse, told me other things and stories abt her love life. Why? I am not judgemental abt these things. I know love is kind, love is selfish, albeit my lightsided humour on most things in life. Screw all those times I had to console her and all that. I am tired already. Ahh... let's just say I am not one who likes to be lied to, be it i was or not interested in her. For I am trusting and rock solid in helping a friend in need. 'tsit, I hav severed ties before I will again. More like a lesson to me and not the other party.

Haha.. just did it. Dun have to put up wif half fast excuses of not being contactable and what nots. I can't continue on, that she'd knowingly and repeatedly lied to me for year long and still have a decent truthful conversation with her. By being accessible at all times to her, the least I can ask for is some honesty. Just can't do it anymore. Somehow today I realised that I can do without this.... should have learnt tat long ago. At this age, can fucking forego friendship of 10 years, rock the fucking boat and push the boat far far away. See u in another 10 years, or not.

Apart from that - I do feel invigourated - emancipated - somewhat indifferent abt some things, puzzled about the rest.


Bon nuit!